We have all seen them, the posts and blogs about the unique grief special needs parents feel and experience. I was always baffled by this a little bit and it wasn’t until three years into being a special needs Mom that the grief bowled me over.
It was not because of some monumental event.
My children were not hurt or in poor health.
What caught up to me was the day to day things. The little things. The things I can no longer do without intense thought, planning, and preparation.
It’s when day to day activities are hard and painful for my kids.
It’s when I have to think if I can accept that playdate invitation or if the kids, or one of the kids, won’t be able to handle it.
It’s when I desperately want to go to church but that is barely possible with some of the kids (and only if I have childcare) and is currently impossible with all the kids at once.
It’s when people are not able to easily take my kids for sleepovers or playdates.
It’s worrying we are not doing enough for the kids or that we are doing too much.
It’s when going for a walk ends up with me carrying a child home because he has had a meltdown on the side of the road.
It’s the feeling of “Why even try to go?” that creeps in on the hard days.
It’s watching my kids miss out on experiences I always imagined they would have because it is too hard for them.
It’s when a trip to the grocery store turns into a struggle of epic proportions.
It’s when I can’t meet a friend for lunch because the restaurant will be too overwhelming for the kids.
It’s not being able to listen to one kid’s elaborate story about their toy because another one is in the middle of a meltdown.
It’s the housework and the yard work that gets left unattended (and drives me crazy) because we are too busy running to therapies.
It’s all the little things that most people do with little to no thought that catch up to me.
I am so grateful for my amazing kids, I am so glad I get to take this journey with them. I wish I could make this journey for them easier but I will be there beside them as they fight their way through it all. We will hold each other close as we all grieve the little things that are no longer little for us and trust that our love for one another will carry us through.