“I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done”
-Thy Will by Hillary Scott
The phrase “Thy will be done” rolls off my tongue with ease, heck I even think it regularly. In practice though- I struggle with that part quite a bit more. I love the peace offered by the knowledge that God has a plan and he is working it out no matter what. I love that I can look back and say things like “I know without our struggle with infertility and the miscarriages we may not have signed up to be foster parents at just the right time to be lead to all six of our kids”. I also know that I would not have been able to process that and be peaceful about it in the middle of that hard time in our lives.
As I talked about in Sometimes I Break, Caleb got some new diagnoses over the last few weeks and he has been really struggling lately. Every day is a challenge and every day offers joy. The moments the weight of it all lands on me I often find myself sobbing and I find myself repeating those four little words over and over. I know that the Lord has me in the palm of His hand and I know that He has Caleb in the palm of His hand as well. He loves Caleb as much as we do and He has this all under control, even when I am feeling completely out of control. His will. Not mine. Mine would be to wave a wand and fix all of these challenges our boy faces so he does not have to fight so, so hard every. single. day. I have faith, I know there is a bigger picture going on that I can not see. I know that our boy was built for this fight and he can handle it, and that he was given to us because we are exactly who he needed in his corner for the fight. Just as I know he is the hero we needed to cheer on. I know this, I do…and yet there are still the times I find myself sobbing on the floor unable to bear it all, crying out why.
This is when the questions start to come:
Why does he have to have such a challenge
Why can I not fix it for him
Am I doing enough to help him
Should we try this new therapy
Are we doing too much and that is the problem
It goes on and on and on. I will be going throughout the day, cooking dinner, crying in the bathroom, lying awake at night and the questions swirl around and around and around. Then a small voice inside me whispers those four little words- “Thy will be done”
Damien has also been struggling a lot. Our guy is working through some really hard, big, heavy emotional and psychological things and it is not easy for him to do and it is not easy for us to watch. Today his therapy ended with him clinging to me crying hysterically after his counselor came to get me from the waiting room. Are the issues easily explained or identified? No. With Caleb it is a matter of he has X, Y and maybe Z and these are some things you can expect going forward with that knowledge. With Damien it is still a puzzle. His behaviors and reactions and emotions do not lend themselves quickly to one specific struggle or diagnosis. As hard as the official diagnosis appointments are, the unknown is hard in an entirely different way but still comes with countless questions and few answers.
Why can I still not just fix this
What is “this” exactly
Is this helping him
Is this making it worse
Can I just feel it all for him
Are we doing enough
Are we doing the right therapies
Are there other things I should be looking into
What would my will be in this? I would erase every hurt and terror our boy has suffered so they are no longer weighing on his little heart. I would make navigating the day to day life of a six year old easier for him so he did not feel such painful extreme reactions to such relatively small (to our eyes) obstacles or constraints in life. I would fix it. I would let my love just pour and pour into him and step in front of every bullet of pain headed his way.
I calmed him down and reassured him after his appointment today and we went home. He ran off to play with his siblings as soon as we arrived, only his extra fear and emotions showing the struggle he has just endured. I had to turn right around and head out for my own appointment. It was not until I was in the car by myself that I let go, I sobbed and sobbed the entire time I was driving. Then the little voice chimed in again. “Thy will be done.”
Thy will be done. What does that mean for me in this situation? Well, let’s start with what it does not mean. It does not mean by my faith alone the challenges will be removed and their lives will be nothing but sunshine and roses, just like I wish it could be. It does not mean that God is punishing our boys or us for some unknown sin by giving them these challenges. It does mean that there is a plan at play here. There is a bigger picture that I am not able to see from my current spot on this journey. It does mean our boys were crafted by the loving hands of our Heavenly Father and He knew exactly what battles laid before them and He equipped them well. It does mean that through every hard, gut wrenching, painful moment God is pouring His love into us as surely as we are pouring our love into all of our kiddos. It means when I am crying on the bathroom floor God is with me and willing to help carry me through it, if I will let him. When Caleb is trying desperately to communicate and he cannot, causing his frustration to peak and him to lash out and rage- God is with him, God is loving him, God is working with him through it all. It does mean that when fear wraps its hands around Damien’s heart and he enters the world of Fight-or-Flight and I cannot reach him to pull him out of it, God is with him in the dark and God is walking through each terror filled second with him.
When the waves of helplessness wash over me, when I feel I am completely inept and useless and not helping my family at all, when I do not know how I can carry this load for one more second I know the little voice will be there to whisper to me still….
Thy Will Be Done
I just have to remember to listen.